I'll see you in the ICU!

The death of a hero

Have you ever idolized, worshiped, respected someone so much that you trip over yourself to talk to that person, or dote on their every word?

Have you ever held someone in such high regard that every little thing you do seems trivial and embarrassing? Your only wish is to one day be as great a thinker as your hero? Have you ever marvelled at how it seemed the world's mysteries were a mere triviality to them; that they held answers to all the ponderables?

Such was my idolatry.

I was indebted to someone, I respected, and worshipped them. And when I was offered what I thought was an invitation to friendship, I was elated.

Elated, I tell you.

Have you ever had your idol bare his soul (part of it, knowingly; the rest by the course of his actions) and has it ever been so shocking and horrifying to come to learn that the whole thing was a lie, a shoddy ruse?

Not only was the idol made of clay, it was offering a false friendship; a thinly veiled trick for getting more from me than I was willing to give.

I had hoped for a life-long friendship with someone whom I respected, adored and worshiped. What I got was no different than can be expected from any barfly.

The shame I feel is palpable--I wasn't special; I wasn't worthy of friendship, afterall...I was merely another of an endless stream of idiots cycling thru. I've not heard hide nor hair; no offering of explanation, no apologies, not even a hello, how's it going?

So I guess that's all I ever was--some stupid co-ed with worship in the eyes. An "opportunity." I guess he makes a habit of doing this to students, former and possibly not. I had that feeling when I surprized him once when returning a test, and there was an overly flirtatious girl in his office, talking like a dime store romance...and he denied remembering anyone. So typical, and because of my hero-worship, I failed to see it right away--that it was all a lie.

I'll forget about it all, because I must, in order to get my mind back into school, but, damn...the death of a hero is indeed a deep, painful wound.

posted by sketchmonkey @ 3:38 PM