I'll see you in the ICU!

30 days of ...

My laptop battery, according to my status meter, indicates that I've about two hours. It's 3:30 in the morning, the Friday before the Sunday I head back to New York. In all, I have to say that it's not been the sort of break I was expecting.

Is there ever a break or vacation that ever goes to plan?

This is the first thing I learned about Buddhism--desire breeds suffering. Whether that desire is lust, or greed, or materialism, or just a general expectation for the way things should go, this all leads to suffering. To want is to suffer; and I wanted too much during this break.

I wanted to come home and establish one friendship; it got off to a very rocky start, if I can even say that about it.

I wanted to read two text books, and put together fabulous reference notes, cross indexed and everything, in order to get a tiny bit ahead next semester.

I wanted to make a massive dent in the house--sort through some more of Mom's things and make room for Jackie to come live with us. She has moved in, but the only thing I was able to effectivly do is clean out the bedroom for her; the rest of the house is still in 'sort thru' mode.

I wanted to also, bask in the warm, comfortable California sun, but the second I arrived, the cloud cover moved in, and it only just burned off yesterday.

So, I've been completely ineffectual, and I can count my accomplishments on one hand:
I gave the dog a bath (yesterday, the day the sun finally shone)
I went to work with Jean and it was an amazing experience in the OR
I moved my neice in
I read half of one book

I've also managed to have so much on my mind that I can't sleep, and so, have been fairly sleep deprived for a few weeks now. I'm hoping I will be able to sleep on the plane, at this point, because this couch is killing me, and as much as I'm dreading going back to New York, at least there's a quiet little room for me, where nothing exists but school and homework.

So--this is an incredible feeling; one of being pushed and pulled, simultaneously. On the one hand, I hate New York, but on the other hand, I'm hating my disjointed life here--the lack of effectiveness, the limitation on how much I can get done in such a short time, the bungling I feel I've been doing.

In any case--Sunday I'll be travelling back to the east--land of misery and bad weather. I'll be gone around a hundred days--and I'm thinking of marking them the way a climber gauges his progress by pitons...slowly, one move at a time.

And maybe, before I know it, it will be next year--poof.

Magic.
or at the very least, Christmas break--and I can start day dreaming and longing for the perfect ten days off, and every moment of every one of those ten days...

Leaning mind.
To want is to suffer.

posted by sketchmonkey @ 1:40 AM