I'll see you in the ICU!

Is this the line for the spankings?

Good god, they're trying to flipping kill us. It's friday night, and when most people are out, doing fun stuff, drinking until they pass out, I'm probably going to be up until Tuesday--when I have to present my group project in "Health Promotion/Disease Prevention" (worth 40% of my dang grade!) AND we have our first midterm in Pathophysiology--easy subjects such as the Immune system, and Cancer--good golly!

I'm afraid to go up to the 11th floor for fear that I'll take a swan dive off the roof.

I'm also very sad about something lately--I deleted an account (www.43things.com) I had for the better part of a year. It became a pathological attachment--and we KNOW what Buddha said about attachment, eh? It breeds SUFFERING!!

It started innocently enough--it's a site where you make a list of 43 things you want to accomplish, and other 43thingers cheer you, and you interact...Sure, you start off with goals like "get an A in Chemistry" and then, before you know it, you're trying to "Become the executive director of my pants" or "slap a policeman with a flounder" or "map the human genome in my own way (with macaroni and glitter)" The real problem is that it had become a huge time waster, and nothing that I said, or anyone said on it was really real, it seemed. We were all there to validate our own insecurities--to make people laugh, to be the clown, to get support--I found the whole thing very enabling after a while.

One day, in pathophysiology, I was struggling to keep up with the prof, she was going so fast...and during a lull, I clicked over to 43, and saw something that got me mad, and I got mad that I was wasting valuable class time, distracting myself to stay awake, looking at something that was not directly related to what I'm doing here...so I hit the delete key.

I did meet a lot of very cool, quality, intelligent, funny, wonderful people on that site--both in the cyber sense and in real life. I regretted deleting the account later that evening--big time. I felt so alone in my little 8x10 room, I had written about my Mom, and some of those posts were written through tears..but I felt a huge void afterward.

I even got some online homework help from one guy (a shout out to my buddy Rob in Vancouver!) getting his degree in physics, who helped me (not gave me any answers, but just pointed me in the direction of finding my own answer.) Rob deleted his 43 account and I was devastated. I saw him on Gmail the day before I deleted and we chatted for a few minutes--he said it was hard at first, but that he didn't regret it; and made the analogy of surgical amputation, to which I could relate--lose the finger to spare the hand. Amen, brother. Amen.


I was IMing my friend, Paul, whom I met on that site. But he's going through some emotional stuff right now with his wife's mental health, and he's understandably worried. I was offering support and sympathy, but he acts as if I'm some sort of Buddha, tossing him pearls of wisdom...though, he called them tennis balls...I'm no Buddha; I struggle with attachments!

I think I just needed and wanted contact with intelligent people that are outside this ETP frenzy; everyone here is so damned psychotic, and all we can talk about is "isn't that fucked the way they did this to us, or that to us?" Or "how are your clinicals going?" but this last one is said more out of jealousy.

During the last fire alarm, right after clinicals, one of the other students, whom I don't even KNOW came up to me and asked me where I'm placed--I looked at her like "who the fuck are you?!" but then I realized she just wanted to know why I was allowed to wear scrubs and tennis shoes instead of our school uniform, as many still are. Deal with it, bitch.

Ok, Peeps--I'm truely swamped this weekend, and I'm goofing off enough on the 'puter. Know that I love youse all--and miss you.

And, BTW mofos-WHERE is the love?
No cookies, no notes or cards...gah--you guys are the fucking suckiest friends EVER!
;)
I'm thinking of changing my name to NOSLEEP/NOEAT Lisa--catchy?
You'll all feel so bad when you see how awful I look--I must have lost 10 pounds by now (not that I didn't have some padding to lose!) but my clothes are falling off.

Hopefully, if I survive this year, and pass my classes and the exams, I'll be home this time next year!!

posted by sketchmonkey @ 4:21 PM