I'll see you in the ICU!

I almost made it

thru the damned holidays, I mean.

I worked last night and that was no big whoop. The night crew is being nicer to me lately, and more supportive...I suppose that they've accepted me, though I heard a rumor that I was looking for another job...gee--I wonder what skank spilled THAT secret of mine, eh?

So, today is christmas eve, and I just woke up because I had to stay up "late" (I was up until almost noon!) and so that pushed my sleep schedule back.

We bought one gift this year, for our next door neighbors, whom have lived next door to us since before I was born--a sweet old Chinese couple. We went over there this morning after I came home from work to exchange gifts with them--a reciprocal exchange of chocolates, ha ha. Then we went to pick up some floweers as I became acutely sad and missed my family. The closest thing I have to family now is my brother's grave, about a mile away.

I went and put some flowers on his grave.

I thought about how much he really made Christmas...he was the most excited person in the family with the holiday spirit filling him like some form of retail mania. He always went way, way overboard and spent way too much money and bought everyone those huge ticket gifts that made everyone feel like he was insane. He never cared about money, it was the holidays and you needed to have whatever your heart's desires were at that time, even if you hadn't even dreamed so big.

I am not sure if I cried because I miss him, or if I cried because of how lonely I've become since he and my mom have died. The thought of what the holidays used to be, versus the way they are now--it's sad. I suppose that in time, we'll have to start making some effort to "celebrate" in some fashion, but it's currently just not in us. Every day is the same as any other day...no special occasions, no holidays...perhaps it's from having been in school for so long, and having to be away for birthdays and anniversaries, or maybe it's that I have to work a lot during days I consider special--like anniversaries of the death of my mom or brother, or my husband's birthday, or my own.

I thought I had survived the holidays without shedding a tear, but today I didn't make it. I suppose tomorrow we'll dust ourselves off and maybe try to go somewhere and do something "together" just the three of us (me, husband and dog.) Perhaps a picnic or something...a walk somewhere. Not sure yet.

I'm trying to find something positive in all this. I feel so down. Everything feels like shit right now--like it's raining down crap, always.

On a depressing note, I heard on NPR today that our economy is so crap that people from other countries have been flooding in for the holidays to spend spend spend, becuase the dollar is so weak against their currency. Yes, CANDADIANS are now coming over the border, the Japanese (as ever since the Yen is always strong, but even MORESO now) and Europeans have been coming to spend their money here to buy buy buy (that's good, I guess) buying up every Ipod they can get their hands on, and so forth. While this is good for retail and for the hotel and restaurant industries, I still can't help but feel sad about how low we've fallen. I also heard that there's talk among OPEC to change the currency of trade for oil to the Euro. If this happens, we're screwed.

I've GOT to get my EU citizenship thing going. I don't see this having a quick fix any time soon.

posted by sketchmonkey @ 10:01 PM