I'll see you in the ICU!

Still holds up

Click here to listen to a Haunting song

posted by sketchmonkey @ 2:39 PM 0 Comments

Elevated hopes

{sigh}
After going to work with Jean and spending the day in the OR with her, and her anesthesia resident, who's attending Samuel Merritt, I'm finding myself day-dreaming about the possibility of transfering back to the bay area to finish my master's portion of the anesthesia program.

Of course, this month has had its good and bad (nee, disasterous) things about it--but, in all, I like being home. I miss it terribly and the more I'm home, the more I want to stay home--not go back to New York.

So, the fantasy that this will just be one year in New York, and then that I might actually have a shot at getting into the 27 month program at Merritt, has me rather optimistic. Which is never good.

With optimism comes let down.
And it will shatter my heart into slivers of glass if I got my hopes up and then didn't get in.

There's also a school in So Cal (y'all remember how I felt about being in So. Cal, too, right? But at LEAST it's California...and the weather is more tollerable, and it's a drive home--no more airports, layovers, security check points, etc)


So, still...I'm a year away from finishing this accellerated bachelor's, and then I have a year in the ICU, here in SF...and If I can get into Merritt, then good-bye New Yawk!

That thought is haunting me now.
{sigh}

posted by sketchmonkey @ 9:46 AM 0 Comments

Japan

(as "rain tree crow" but seriously, it's the same thing!)

This particular song always makes me homesick.
I thought I'd post it now, because in two weeks, I won't be able to stand hearing it.

posted by sketchmonkey @ 9:26 PM 0 Comments

A day in the life of an Anesthetist

Well, I'm just getting back from spending the day in the OR with my sistah, Jean. What a fabulous experience! I observed two surgeries, and was only in the wrong place, doing thw wrong thing, a couple of times :)

Poor Jean--I'm bound to get her in trouble yet!

I'm glad to say that the blood and gore of the operating room don't bother me; that was initially what I worried about (lo, those many years ago, when I was considering a career change.) Today, I was able to see two complete procedures, from interview to PACU. It was a fabulous oportunity to observe the real thing; not just the theoretcial stuff one is fed in didactic.

There's no doubt in my mind that this is what I want to do--it's so amazing!

Jean's my hero.

That's all there is to it.

posted by sketchmonkey @ 8:21 PM 0 Comments

The death of a hero

Have you ever idolized, worshiped, respected someone so much that you trip over yourself to talk to that person, or dote on their every word?

Have you ever held someone in such high regard that every little thing you do seems trivial and embarrassing? Your only wish is to one day be as great a thinker as your hero? Have you ever marvelled at how it seemed the world's mysteries were a mere triviality to them; that they held answers to all the ponderables?

Such was my idolatry.

I was indebted to someone, I respected, and worshipped them. And when I was offered what I thought was an invitation to friendship, I was elated.

Elated, I tell you.

Have you ever had your idol bare his soul (part of it, knowingly; the rest by the course of his actions) and has it ever been so shocking and horrifying to come to learn that the whole thing was a lie, a shoddy ruse?

Not only was the idol made of clay, it was offering a false friendship; a thinly veiled trick for getting more from me than I was willing to give.

I had hoped for a life-long friendship with someone whom I respected, adored and worshiped. What I got was no different than can be expected from any barfly.

The shame I feel is palpable--I wasn't special; I wasn't worthy of friendship, afterall...I was merely another of an endless stream of idiots cycling thru. I've not heard hide nor hair; no offering of explanation, no apologies, not even a hello, how's it going?

So I guess that's all I ever was--some stupid co-ed with worship in the eyes. An "opportunity." I guess he makes a habit of doing this to students, former and possibly not. I had that feeling when I surprized him once when returning a test, and there was an overly flirtatious girl in his office, talking like a dime store romance...and he denied remembering anyone. So typical, and because of my hero-worship, I failed to see it right away--that it was all a lie.

I'll forget about it all, because I must, in order to get my mind back into school, but, damn...the death of a hero is indeed a deep, painful wound.

posted by sketchmonkey @ 3:38 PM 0 Comments

Flickr

Sent to me by my friend Marmotry, Flickr photos set to music by Jonathan Coulton.

posted by sketchmonkey @ 3:03 PM 0 Comments

Liminal Space

Shakespeare said:
"How like a winter hath my absence been
From thee, the pleasure of the fleeting year!
What freezings have I felt, what dark days seen!
What old December's bareness everywhere!
And yet this time removed was summer's time,
The teeming autumn, big with rich increase,
Bearing the wanton burden of the prime,
Like widowed wombs after their lords' decease:
Yet this abundant issue seemed to me
But hope of orphans, and unfathered fruit"

I can't stand New York, and I completely understand how there's been a rumored "mass exodus" of students after the first year, BACK to San Francsisco.

I'm a bit melancholy since returning--Some things just haven't gone the way I'd like. Or maybe it's just that there's so much to do, or so much on my mind.

I dunno.

In any case, I find myself thinking about my friends, stuck in NYC (Who don't know about this blog) and feeling a bit friendless here at home. Everyone's moved on; everyone's got stuff going on, etc.

My phone is so quiet! It's normally ringing so much I can't get a minute's rest. But this is one of those "careful what you wish for" things.

(I'm so good at that wishing for the wrong thing)

So, here I sit, belolnging to neither this place, nor that. I am neither here, nor there. Neither resting, nor getting anything done.

What a strange threshold the Airplane is, eh? It takes us to other lives, other selves, other places that hold other memories, senses, flavors, smells, and feelings.

posted by sketchmonkey @ 10:20 AM 0 Comments