I have to keep reminding myself that last year in NY was terrible, but in retrospect, it seems to have gone by rather quickly. It seems that this year is dragging, I have 8 more months left at this ICU.
It's sort of funny how "year" means academic year and not calander year to me. I have all these thoughts about what 2008 will be like. So much has happened in '07.
I went back to NY in January. I graduated from Columbia. I passed the NCLEX and became a nurse. I got a job and started earning real money for the first time in about 5 years. It's kind of been a very transitional year. I wonder what 2008 will bring.
I'm hoping it will bring further organization to the house. I'm hoping it will bring some real Acute Care knowledge. I hope it will bring a return to school, to finish the anesthesia program, I hope it brings a Prius, I hope it brings a sense of well-being and happiness...I hope it brings peace in the mid-east, and a better president (though, that's not going to be hard...pretty much a potted plant would be better at this point!)
I hope to be less tired in 08, healthier, happier, wiser. I hope the same for you, too.
Gah, I just woke up from a mid afternoon "nap" and good-golly, it's hard to swtich back to being awake in the days! My body just doesn't want to move. "SLEEP!" it says, "sleep NOW"
How the hell am I ever going to go to classes in the day? For one thing, G wants to take fridays off to drive me because he's afraid (seeing me the way I am and how tired I am) of how I'm going to be able to get behind the wheel and drive like this. I can't.
It's things like this that make me bitter and resentful about my work. Why wait until I'm on nights and force me to have to change back and forth to nights and days intermittently?
I need to start finding something positive in my life, because right now it's complete crap. I'm tired all the time. I have four days off and I've spent the first two completely exhausted. I mean exhausted in the true sense, not like "I'm a little drowsy." I mean, I can't lift my arms and legs at my will. My eye lids won't open. I can think words, but can't get my face to move to make words. THAT kind of tired.
One thing that was nice; today I heard from a friend whom I haven't spoken to in a long while. She's going to be taking the NCLEX in a few days and it was funny to hear the same exact worries and thoughts coming from her as when I took it. I remember feeling the exact same way: I just want it to be over. I know she'll do well as she's brilliant and is going to be a kick-ass nurse. (Go L, go!)
This sucks. I have 4 days off, then I'm supposed to work one, then have two days off, then go to classes in the day time when I'm usually asleep now, for two days. Monday I'm going to call in to ask my charge if she cares that I take the one day off...it's impossible to switch my sleeping back and forth from days to nights.
I tried yesterday to stay up as long as I could--we went grocery shopping and so forth. I crashed out at 1:00 in the afternoon. I had hoped to take just a short nap, but it was horrible to wake up. Poor G was trying for over an hour and I was fighting it like crazy. I've never, ever been so tired. My muscles won't move, I can't move--it's like I've been injected with Succinyl Choline (a paralytic) and I can think about moving, but not actually move.
It's horrible. For a month and a half, I have to do this swithching back and forth?! God I was so hoping I could start at UCSF and then blow these bastards off. This is torture. I can't even imagine driving like this--and the classes are over an hour away by car, in Dublin.
So, I slept for a few hours, and wake up at 2 am, and now I want to just surf the net and find a new job. Kaiser, anywhere--I just feel like I need to leave.
If disillusionment were a musical instrument playing, you'd hear a symphony coming from me right now.
So, I pack my professional atire, stealthily in a big bag and cram it in my locker, complete with shoes, belt, and make up. I leave work on time for once and bolt outta there, down to a random bathroom on the first floor. I dress in one of the stalls, cram my scrubs in my bag, and put some make up on to make myself look alive and run off for my car before anyone I know sees me all dressed in street clothes--it would be SUCH a giveaway.
I get there half an hour early. I wait around. Holy crap--this ICU was jumping (9 Moffet) Every time the doors opened up, there were people swarming, the unit clerk was always busy, there were people in and out, like a bee hive. So different than my little joke of an ICU.
When I met with T and C, they asked me to tell them about myself. So, I did, briefly. Why this unit? Well...blah blah... T stops me and says it's the most acute ICU in the whole hospital, that they have ICU nurses floating from other ICUs and that they get bent out of shape about being there. I listen, I nod. It then becomes clear that they're meeting with me only as a courtesy to their co-worker whom I forwarded my resume and asked for her help.
It appears they want me in a year, or more. So, I have no frigging idea how one gets into the critical care training program at UCSF, but I'm getting tired of applying and getting rejected by these bastards. They did say that they called me because I'm mature, I am a second career nurse, and as such, I know what I want to be doing and I'm not going to be flakey (little do they know!) I thought to myself--this is the type of ICU I should be at for a year, working to get ready for going back to Columbia. These are the nurses I'm going to be elbow to elbow with if I do go back, not the ridiculous silly nurses at my ICU. And here I am, unable to even get in.
At this rate, the only way I'm getting into an ICU here in the bay area is if I have an organ transplanted myself.
So I'm stuck at this hell-hole in San Mateo, with the 7 beds, and patients that are so stable they might as well be at long term care (and I don't know why some of them aren't!)
I'm pretty frustrated right now. Even if I go back to New York, this is clear what type of ICU they had hopes of me being at for a year, and my ICU is far from it. I won't be ready--and I might as well save myself the tuition and airfare, because they'll just send my ass back asap.
I'm going to bed. Maybe I'll cry a bit--I haven't decided yet. Probably not, I'm pretty tired.
I just got off the phone with someone from UCSF, I have an interview tomorrow!!!
YEEEE HAAAAAAA!!
I work tonight, so I will have to leave work, find a bathroom on the first floor, change clothes quickly, drive over to UCSF and apply my face in the car with whatever time is left (adjustable makeup, can put on minimum or do a good job--after this many years, you learn a few things)
So, I could very easily have a new job before the end of the year, if they let me know at the interview (as this place did.) The thing is, I'd like to be able to give notice BEFORE starting those courses they signed me up for in January (the 4th!) so as to be fair and allow them to get a refund. I could be a bitch and let them pay for that training, get paid while going to the classes, and THEN quit, but I'm a nice gal...I want to be fair. I could easily milk another few thousand bucks out of them by working right up until UCSF would want me, around when they'd be expecting I'd be off orientation, but they're going to extend me until these classes are over.
Oh, my nurse manager is going to be PISSED.
The sad thing is, they're so short staffed. Last night, a day person was working nights and having a rough time staying awake, and in the morning an evening person came in during the days when she's normally there in the late afternoon/evening...and I heard our charge nurse went to work a night shift two nights ago because someone called in sick.
We have two people out sick, one pregnant and sick, and another person just quit (whom I liked but everyone else hated) and a traveler that's leaving (whom they also said they hate, but to her face they're nice) so...I'm sure no one will shed any tears when I leave. Sadly, now, I'm in good with the night crew and they've been very nice to me--the bottom line is I haven't learned any acute care. And THAT is what is driving me to leave. UCSF has an AWESOME program, sort of like what I left at Columbia--classroom-wise, so it's more class plus clinical. At this hospital, I've learned only bedside skills--how to change an IV tubing, what amount of days the tubings are good for, how to draw labs, placing an IV, trach care, etc. People stay at this place because it's easy; because it's a good paying job and for an ICU it's not so bad, but this is exactly what you don't want as preparation for anesthesia...you want to have busy, acute, very sick unstable patients, and only THEN are you ready to start learning about anesthesia. (or so I hear)
The thing is, this would automaticallly put me out of the running for returning to Columbia 2008 in the Fall, as I would have to agree to working at least a year. But the training is so good, I wouldn't mind. I'd almost fear going back without the training...anesthesia is no joke--if I know jack shit about acute care, there's no way I can fake my way thru--nor would I want to. This place keeps telling me it will come with time, but my experience is that it's better to get classroom type teaching, rather than throw me at it and learn as I go teaching.
They don't love me here, and I'm not pulling my weight, but they're hoping I will start soon...
Oh, and I've been like the UN in translational services for them. Besides using my Spanish daily, we had a patient last night who is a tourist from Italy and doesn't speak a word of English. Poor thing--he put his asthma meds in his checked bag and they lost it, so he had a massive asthma attack and ended up in our ICU. So after ten plus years, I got to brush off some Italian and boy have I forgotten a ton.
Maybe in the next week a deaf patient will come in and I'll be able to try my hand at ASL again (pardon the pun)
Alrighty, kids. I'm excited about this interview tomorrow--wish me luck!!! :D
I've always hated New Year's resolutions. Even if I was a stick figure, it would always be to lose a few pounds, to take better care of my appearance--dress better, make sure I did my hair and makeup always...always those self-esteem type resolutions.
I lost about 20 pounds of that stuff that creeps up on you a pound per year after returning to the bay area. It wasn't hard at all, really--just cut out all refined foods, white flour, white rice, etc and exercised a little bit a couple times per week. I've put about two pounds back on since I started working, you know how bad nurses eat--candy, cookies, cake, fried foods, so yeah, I guess I'm resolving to lose those two pounds, but honestly, I could drop those before the end of the year without much effort or sacrifice; I'm not worried about two pounds.
I would like to get a haircut before the new year, only because I have a party to go to and don't want to be a shaggy mess.
So in this sense, I guess I do still have some appearance-related resolutions, if you can call them that.
My resolutions have gone by the way side. I think I resolved one year to not have any resolutions. Like the time I gave up Catholicism for lent. The nuns didn't like THAT
Anyway, I've been hankering to do something creative again. I think I'm going to resolve on either getting some of my crap paintings finished and shown, or better yet, print up and frame some of my slides from Europe to have a small show/salon. I once went to a small show put on by a friend of a friend, of all these really bad amateur photos of her trip to Italy. She sold the show out and I was left with my chin hanging on the drive home. No eye for composition, zero processing...plain old enlargements! Crazy.
I think I'm going to start working on something like this in the wee small hours. I'd love to make some extra cash, but I'm aware that I'll probably (at best) break even.
Anyway, these are the crazy ideas I have when I'm baking and cooking from 11 pm to 6 am. Tonight I made a huge batch of pasta sauce, my week's supply of steel cut oats, scones, cracked wheat bread, and rice with steamed veggies for the quick "leftover re-heat" before going off to work.
maybe it's the creativity in the kitchen that's pointing me in this direction; the drive to do something creatively meaningful.
The only problem is that I shot 35 mm slide film in Europe, which was at the time, the best resolution you could get outside of a large format camera (impractical for travel) and though I have a light box, I don't have a slide scanner any more, in order to crop and fix my images before printing. This would leave me with a lot of printing instructions for the photo lab (and a lot of room for them to make mistakes, if you ask me) so this would kinda suck. I'm wondering how to get this remedied.
Anyway, I would love to even make the invitations for this--I'd probably make up about 500 4x6 cards and send them to everyone I know. I'll also, of course, have to come up with an artist's resume (gonna be pretty short) of the type they hang at galleries so you know about the artist. I don't want a webpage because this, I've decided, is for people who are trying to attract business, and make a name for themselves and get hired. I may, at most, set up an email list for notifying people of upcoming shows (if I ever have a second one, that is!)
So there you have it, the wheels in my pea brain are turning. I'd love to actually do this and it's not that far-fetched, really. People always buy photographic art and I could do all the framing myself with stuff I have around here (from the framing days) I think photography sells better than large format canvases I was doing a few years ago, so I won't focus on those for now.
I have enough slides for now (around a thousand) to have a massive show, but since I need to have these printed up professionally, it would be expensive to do them all.
So besides a slide scanner, a place to actually hang, a professional, good-quality printer that won't charge me an arm and a leg, this could happen! :)
I worked last night and that was no big whoop. The night crew is being nicer to me lately, and more supportive...I suppose that they've accepted me, though I heard a rumor that I was looking for another job...gee--I wonder what skank spilled THAT secret of mine, eh?
So, today is christmas eve, and I just woke up because I had to stay up "late" (I was up until almost noon!) and so that pushed my sleep schedule back.
We bought one gift this year, for our next door neighbors, whom have lived next door to us since before I was born--a sweet old Chinese couple. We went over there this morning after I came home from work to exchange gifts with them--a reciprocal exchange of chocolates, ha ha. Then we went to pick up some floweers as I became acutely sad and missed my family. The closest thing I have to family now is my brother's grave, about a mile away.
I went and put some flowers on his grave.
I thought about how much he really made Christmas...he was the most excited person in the family with the holiday spirit filling him like some form of retail mania. He always went way, way overboard and spent way too much money and bought everyone those huge ticket gifts that made everyone feel like he was insane. He never cared about money, it was the holidays and you needed to have whatever your heart's desires were at that time, even if you hadn't even dreamed so big.
I am not sure if I cried because I miss him, or if I cried because of how lonely I've become since he and my mom have died. The thought of what the holidays used to be, versus the way they are now--it's sad. I suppose that in time, we'll have to start making some effort to "celebrate" in some fashion, but it's currently just not in us. Every day is the same as any other day...no special occasions, no holidays...perhaps it's from having been in school for so long, and having to be away for birthdays and anniversaries, or maybe it's that I have to work a lot during days I consider special--like anniversaries of the death of my mom or brother, or my husband's birthday, or my own.
I thought I had survived the holidays without shedding a tear, but today I didn't make it. I suppose tomorrow we'll dust ourselves off and maybe try to go somewhere and do something "together" just the three of us (me, husband and dog.) Perhaps a picnic or something...a walk somewhere. Not sure yet.
I'm trying to find something positive in all this. I feel so down. Everything feels like shit right now--like it's raining down crap, always.
On a depressing note, I heard on NPR today that our economy is so crap that people from other countries have been flooding in for the holidays to spend spend spend, becuase the dollar is so weak against their currency. Yes, CANDADIANS are now coming over the border, the Japanese (as ever since the Yen is always strong, but even MORESO now) and Europeans have been coming to spend their money here to buy buy buy (that's good, I guess) buying up every Ipod they can get their hands on, and so forth. While this is good for retail and for the hotel and restaurant industries, I still can't help but feel sad about how low we've fallen. I also heard that there's talk among OPEC to change the currency of trade for oil to the Euro. If this happens, we're screwed.
I've GOT to get my EU citizenship thing going. I don't see this having a quick fix any time soon.
I'm working tonight, and then have two days off, and so does G, which is nice! I'm actually looking forward to having a couple days off.
I'm getting along better with the nurses at night. The Cinnamon rolls made me some friends. The next night, another nurse brought take out for all of us, and we all eat together. I find this very different than the day shift, which was colder and a bit more exclusive. Right now, you couldn't pay me to go back to day shift.
On top of that, I'm getting between three and four hundred bucks per check more just for working nights. Add to that the lack of stress from having the phone ringing constantly, having family members calling and coming in, taking up what little time I have asking questions...and you want to be able to explain things to them, but often, you have just enough time to do your thing and get out of there only ONE hour late instead of two or three...and the amount of extra staff around, bugging. I so don't miss days.
I miss my days, however. I do miss the sun, and being awake during the day, sleeping at night when it's dark and cold--that I do miss. I miss being on the same schedule as my hubby and dog (believe it or not, the dog is acting like he misses me too, and doesn't "get" when I leave for work at night, or why I stay up on my nights off)
So I'm looking forward to the next two days off. Maybe we'll take a ride somewhere, or do a picnic in the VW at the beach.
I don't know if I mentioned that the person teaching a couple of the courses my work was sending me to, at UCSF, noticed me sitting in the front row (nerd), in my Columbia hoodie (I went to an ivy league and all I have to show for it is this hoodie?)
She asked me if I had really gone to Columbia, or if someone had just bought me the hoodie. I offered to show her my Sallie Mae Loan statements, and she laughed. It turned out that she got her MSN at Columbia. A fellow alumna!
Cut to three or four months later, and me applying online to the stupid critical care program (again!) and not hearing much in return. I finally emailed this fellow alumna of mine and asked her if she remembered me, and if she could help me get my resume to the right hands so as to at least not miss this again.
Well, I just noticed on my phone yesterday morning that they had called and left me a message saying they'd like to interview me, that this alumna of mine had forwarded them my resume. How awesome is that?!
I left them a message saying I'd be very interested in meeting with them.
How cool!
I'm now worrying about having to go in and tell my nurse manager, who's being a LOT nicer to me since this whole blow out, that I'm going to take another offer...just as the training they're going to send me to is either in full swing, or just over.
Sheesh.
But I can't count on getting this other job, so I have to move forward at this current ICU as if I don't have any intentions of leaving. To make matters worse, a friend in NYC has been emailing me about her doubts about this program, and virtually, her emails read exactly like my blog. Holy cats, we're saying the same things. Maybe I'll just go and do the NP thing...maybe I'll stay at Columbia...maybe I'll apply somewhere else, I hate my icu, etc.
Hate's a strong word. I'm baking about 4 dozen cinnamon rolls from scratch, some of which will make it to my work tomorrow night, afterall. Funny how much I'm baking/cooking at night to keep the upstairs warm. I just can seem to wake up in the late afternoon and cook, so I have to do it while I'm up...otherwise, no one eats around here!
Gah...I just picked up "The Grapes of Wrath" the other day at the thrift store (while I was killing time until I could park in front of my house after the street cleaner goes by, so I duck into the thrift store and browse their bookshelf) and NOW it's on AMC. I had just gotten to the part where Tom Joad gets back to his farm and it's all abandoned because the banks have forclosed on his parents and neighbors. Funny how many people have made such sacrifices to get to California, my parents included, and here I am whining about what? Having a decent wage? and a roof over my head? bah. I'm a sissy.
When I was in Italy, my "Liebemeister" (beloved professor) likened me to the woman in this story. In Italian, it was called "Il Furore" and I remember going to great lengths to find out this was "Grapes of Wrath." Now I wonder which character he meant. There are two strong female characters, Ma, and Rose of Sharon. I actually feel more like Tom Joad, but that's no surprise, he's a bit disillusioned, and focused only on the present because the future is so out of grasp...I feel a lot like that guy.
I'm off to sample one of these cinnamon rolls, eh? Just wanted to update youse on the good news :) Keep your fingers crossed that I won't blow the interview, or leave the frying pan for the fire, huh?
Just me and you, up late. Although, you might be reading this during decent hours... (sigh)
I've gotten so used to the hours it's sort of sad. When the doorbell rings, and it's a package delivery, I am virtually blinded by the daylight when I open the door. The UPS guy must think I'm a crackhead. The other day I came upstairs and was blinded by the 4:30 pm sun. Pathetic.
I'm Dracula, evidently. If this were "olden times" I'd have villagers at the door with pitchforks and torches by now.
Anywho--here I am. This wouldn't be so hard if it weren't winter. It's dang cold in the house, and the downstairs bedroom gets so hot with the heat on, so we leave it off all night long. So, to offset the cold, I bake things. My husband must think he married a Keebler elf since he wakes up to scones, bread, cookies and all sorts of other crap that is bad for our waistlines. I try to be wholesome about it, whole wheat, organic whole grains, etc, but you know...it's still cookies.
Anyway, my point tonight is this:
I'll get to it in a minute.
We were talking about a mutual friend who was laid off around the start of the year. He's undecided on what he wants to do--so he does nothing. His situation makes me think. I've been there, and I was at the same crossroads. Lately, the difficulties I've had adapting to women in the workplace have made me wonder if I've made a mistake. Last night I was sketching out the changes I want to make in the kitchen--a sudden peace came over me as I lost myself in design (and I wasn't really even getting that far into it.) Somehow, moving lines around was calming. I was happy for a moment. The thought that tomorrow night I will have to go back into that den of vipers and hold in all the comments I'm thinking, while they openly insult me, chide or belittle me, makes me a bit queezy.
It's only for a year. I'm almost a third of the way through. I've been through worse, I'm not complaining, really. I just smile and think that soon I'll be gone, and on to better things.
There's only a couple weeks left in the year.
Incredible.
I think back to last year...slogging it out in New York, going to sleep at 2:30, getting up at 4:00, standing in the bitter cold waiting for the shuttle to Cornell, missing home, at least now I'm home. At least now I can occasionally see my husband and dog. What could be better?
:)
ok, so now my point: I was thinking about this friend of ours, and how nice it was to have a sharpened lead in my hand, and sketch paper, and to be using my creativity. I realized how much my spirit has been sapped at this place. I used to have some ideas rolling around up there, in my brain case, before I was a bitch, or a dumbass, take your pick.
So, I thought about some of my ideas that have fallen off the back of the stove, while being back-burnered.
I wanted to buy an apartment in Florence, Italy, and have the sort of life that would allow me to go there at least a few months out of the year. Now all I think about is paying off my debt. Or rather, how long that's gonna take.
I wanted to write a book. I still don't want to jinx it by talking about it, but it was a study of the Italian Piazza, done to the level of architectural research projects...I was just hoping to make enough money to pay for the apartment, actually...that would have been cool.
I wanted to patent something--I have a design, and some sketches, but I have never filled out the forms needed for this.
It's funny how now all I want is to learn as much as I can at this place, enough to make people stop hating me or even one better: enough to go back to Columbia.
I used to be one of those big thinkers. Anything was possible if I set my mind to it. Now I've let those vipers gnaw away at my self-confidence, my self-image...this sucks.
I'm trying so hard to regain/retain any little part of my creative self...but god damnit...it's so hard.
Not that architecture was great; it sucked balls at times. Here's a picture of Thom Mayne, one of the creators of Sci-Arc (the school) the Santa Monica Style, and the firm Morphosis.
He once made one of my classmates cry when he said, during his critique, "where is the architecture!? if you're going to tell me this is architecture, I say BULLSHIT!! This..this...STUCCO CRAP!! How is this any DIFFERENT than ANYTHING that is out there now?! What PROBLEMS have you SOLVED!? HM? What PROBLEMS? (my classmate looked at his model here, bottom lip quivering) I say BULLSHIT!!! Architecture is your WORST ENEMY!!"
Wow, that was some harsh jury he had that day. So, I can suffer a bunch of insecure vipers, and their petty jabs. Any day.
Really, this ain't shit. I've made it through way worse.
Those were my two choices last night. I had to choose one. "I suppose I'm a bitch then, but...are these the only two choices there are?" I asked my preceptor, Marie.
"Yup." "huh. I suppose then that I'm a bitch, but which of the two are you?"
:D
Ah, I'm so not concerned anymore about friendship or being liked. When you're going to call me a bitch to my face, then we know there are issues.
Two nights ago, they were lamenting our traveler, Amanda renewing for another month. "How long has she been here?" "TOO Long!"
Yikes. They hate her. She fills out incident reports for patients coming up from the ED needing to use a urinal. WTF? She also is a freak because she has tattoos and eats fire. Yes. She eats fire like in the circus. They talked about her for about an hour and said they can't wait for her to leave, she's not a good nurse, she does everything wrong...yadda yadda.
I worked with her last night. Of course, to her FACE they say "well, you're WEIRD, but we still LIKE YOU..." Holy cats...they like her? What was with all the talk last night then!?
With friends like these...
The one preceptor I worked with two nights ago, Josie, told me that night that that was probably her last night there. She was going to tend resignation, but call in sick for two weeks after that. She was cool--she was the one that verified I was right in that issue with the syringe and Andrea the nut. She gave me lots of good advice, and we talked about when she lost her husband to Leukemia three years ago--having lost my brother, we had that in common.
I was sad to hear she was leaving, but I knew it was this catty place, how they treat her and make her feel like an outsider...I knew first hand.
So last night, they were all catty about her leaving. She cleaned out her locker and left it open...an odd move, I thought. I'd have closed it and made a quiet escape--she chose to leave it wide open, almost signaling that she will not be back.
This place. I sincerely hope I get into another ICU. I start classes around the start of the new year. Yeah, I have to switch back and forth to days and nights for school and work in the same week. Why the hell didn't they get me into a class situation while I was on flipping days?!
Whatever. Last night I had a patient with intracranial bleed and fractured skull in one room, and in the other room, a patient with bacterial meningitis. Neuro, Neuro, Neuro. The one thing about this place that's good is the variety of stuff I'm seeing. It's a small ICU, and catty, but the patients are super sick. (and, that's a good thing?)
Still, this is a place I'm honing skills and that's all. Learning the ropes, and figuring out how (for the first time in my life) to deal with women.
Fuck. Women are hard. Harder than anything I've ever had to deal with. My girl friends are so not like these bitches. Is it me? it must be me, right? This place is working on my confidence, and self image. I hate how women can do this even though you know they are doing it and you try to not let it effect you.
I'm hoping it's just another month or two...three tops at this place. Time to start praying.
oh my, where to begin? it was so bad I couldn't bring myself to write about it. It was like Hiroshima, in female crazy form.
I'll give you the short version:
I ask a lot of questions, I know this. This will clue you in to how untrained I am, or rather, how little training I'm getting: they paired me up with Andrea, the girl they hired after me, who has a handful of years experience in ER. She seemed cool at first, very willing to offer up stuff that other people just did without telling me why.
On the 4th, they brought back one of my patients who had gone down to the floor--he was in ARD (acute respiratory distress) and they were fixing to intubate him again. It was tense in the room, and she's putting in a peripheral IV and while she's talking to me, saying "see, you never want to push with anything bigger than a 3 cc syringe because you'll blow the end of the catheter off, you have to push with the smaller syringe..." the doc is trying to get her attention and finally yells "Hey!" at her.
Really, not a time to be teaching me, she could have told me this later.
Outside the room, I asked her about what she had said because it had gone contrary to what I learned from ICU skills day, and the PICC line nurse: NEVER push with anything SMALLER than a 12 cc syringe, or you'll blow the end of the PICC out.
Which was right?
She kept insisting that that's a picc line, and piccs end up in the heart, yadda yadda, she was talking about peripherals, not piccs, and explaining to me what a peripheral is, and what a picc is--for fuck's sake, woman...I know what the difference is.
"I understand that much, my question lies farther up, at the syringe. It's a matter of physics. The broader area of the bigger syringe pushes with less force."
Pressure (P) = Force (F) divided by Area (A) P=F/A
Am I crazy? or are, in her peripheral, the laws of physics reversed?
I tried to nod and say "yes, I see...uh huh" but I kept coming back to one of these logics is wrong. When she got a little heated up, and starting getting a bit insulting, I backed down and said "ok, this is just one of those things I'll have to just remember as such"
She blew fucking up. "You know what your problem is?! YOU DON'T LISTEN!! you need to SHUT up and LISTEN! you're so STUBBORN!! Everyone KNOWS you are not happy here! YOU have a BAD ATTITUDE and you are a NEGATIVE PERSON!! You need to LISTEN!!! nothing MORE!!!"
Wow. What a fucking bitch.
you know when you make what you think is a friend, and you confide things in them, the sort of things like "I'm not happy here" and then they blurt that shit out on the floor, with 20 people around?
yeah.
So--this bitch then went in, trying to be sneaky, to talk to the charge nurse in the morning. I was trying to do the same, lingering and so was she--straightening things, etc. So, I let her--then I snuck up to the office and said "oh, and when you're done, could I also have a word with you?"
Bwah ha ha!
So, my charge sat us both down and we started talking about what had happened. Initially, it seemed she was taking her side, and insisting that I not question my preceptors--what I need is skills not anything else. THIS is what I need to learn, in her eyes. Half way thru it all, she seemed to switch camps and take my side. My real concern, and source of unhappiness, I told my charge, is that I'm getting paperwork and policy, and not any acute care, and I'm worried that in a month they're going to turn me loose, with no acute care knowledge and I'm going to be responsible for someone's death. She understood this and reassured me that this wasn't going to happen. Nut job also nodded supportingly and said "yes, you can always ask one of us...WE'RE here for you (fake smile)"
"can we work together?" my charge asked in the end. Of course we can. I don't have a problem.
Psycho was of course, a big phoney, smiling and acting like she'd been supportive and kind thru the whole thing--smiling and acting like it had been me that had blown up. Bitch please. All I did was try to get you to calm down, and stick to the point. You were insulting. "I never said that"
"well, there were about 20 people out there who overheard the whole thing...we could easily get one of them to come in here and talk about who said what"
hah.
So, this isn't even the bad part: I left, and the bitch was hanging out by the ER door, where we exit. "are you ok?"
"not really. I don't like what you did there. Blurting out shit I had said to you in confidence was not cool at all."
"EVERYBODY KNOWS YOU'RE NOT HAPPY HERE!" blah blah...on and on she went in her tirade. I just kept walking. You're no friend, I thought, and I will work with you, but talking to you outside anything that's not directly work related is OVER.
She says then "Well, I'm not going to preceptor you anymore, then!"
Is she serious? I wanted to laugh, but it was clear she's nuts, so I just let it roll off me like water off a duck. I went to my car and wondered if she's capable of knifing my tires, or keying my car. I wanted to call my charge and tell her screwball had cornered me in the lot, and what she'd said, but I let it go. I talked to my charge the following morning and told her I didn't want to call her, that I knew crazy would and that she was probably up to "here" with all of it because I sure am; it's not in my vocabulary to do this kind of crap and I am tired of it myself. My charge nodded and said she appreciated it, and she's been on my side ever since.
The following day, I kept my smile on, and didn't talk to crazy. She ignored me too, which was fine. I worked with someone who gave me all sorts of cool tips on lab values and what to anticipate, etc. The first person to actually teach me anything acute care!
The following night, I worked with the Philipinas--I brought it up, smiling, about how much of a problem I start when I ask questtions--they were dying to ask but weren't going to. I told them what happened and they rolled their eyes and said "Duh, you made her feel stupid--she's wrong. It's like you say--the bigger syringe pushes with less force, but she didn't have anything but to get mad at you; just ignore her"
BWAH HAHAHA!!
I made a joke that I wasn't going to ask any more questions, and when I do, I smile and say "now, don't go crazy on me if you think I'm asking you too many questions, but..." and they laugh. I've gotten nothing but support over this now.
And, my charge told me that she's signed me up for a critical care course in January/February, but it's all the way out in Dublin. (fucking hell, what a commute)
Things I should have taken into consideration: Last night, this crazy bitch admitted to being just over her period--last week was PMS.
Also, she's planning a wedding--talk about stress. All she talks about is dresses, and flowers, and so forth.
When I had told her I was in the anesthesia program at Columbia but wasn't going back, she said to try Merritt. "Sure," I said, "Imagine my resume and yours hit their desk next year...who's is more impressive? I have no chance of getting in"
"Oh, you'd be surprised, I went there to talk to them about the CRNA program and what they care about more is GPA and GRE scores. You mean to tell me that if I know the area of a triangle that's more important than being a good nurse?!"
The area of a triangle...is that what she thinks the GRE is? She told me she bombed. I told her I did ok on it, but that experience was lacking for me to be eligible. She disagreed. So she wanted to do what I'm doing, but couldn't.
Ah, the green monster and I didn't even see it.
Anyway--that was the drama.
We work together, but we don't shoot the shit anymore. No words exchanged that aren't required. There's no room in my life for backstabbers or nuts, so I'm not worried about it. I treat her cordially, smile and do talk to her when it's needed, but apart from that, screw her.
I've been up since about 10 am (that's my sleepy time, I should be asleep until about 3 PM) trolling the AANA website looking for alternate routes. What hope have I got of getting into a program with 3 months under my belt? I even saw one that was deadline for application Dec 1st, with entry date of January 2009!
2009!? that means if I apply NEXT December 1st (2008), that will be a 2010 entry?!
Holy crap.
Some require a minimum of 2 years ICU experience at time of application, some require a B in statistics, others a cumulative score of 1000 on the GRE, some require 3 reference letters, and some want a GPA of 3.2 or better. So I'd have to impress people somehow, quickly to get the reference letters (unlikely) retake statistics (I crammed it in 6 weeks and got a C) I'm borderline on everything else. I think I scored JUST over 1000 cumulative, I have exactly a 3.25 from Columbia (stupid labor and delivery professor ruined my gpa.)
One school wants you to be licenced in not only their state, but the neighboring state (and neither of them is California, so I'd have to have licences to practice in 3 states)
Last night, I was trying to stay awake, but crashed out around 11. "It's a nap" I thought, but as soon as I was alone in front of the TV, I zonked out. I kept waking up every hour or so, trying to sit up, pay attention to the TV (all the adult swim shows were on) I made coffee but I kept falling back to sleep. I finally caved in at 6 am and went to bed because it was so cold in the house, that I just wanted to crawl into the warm bed. I work tonight, so I will be good and screwed tonight if I can't take a nap before going to work--don't know how I will make it through the night. I'm already dreading every shift at this place. It's always bad. I hate it when I hate my job. This is a sure sign I need to move on.
I've been off for almost a week now. 6 Days.
I had been scheduled to go in Wednesday, but they had signed me up for a DAY class at UCSF, and that screwed my sleep all up. Then I called in sick for the following night because I felt like crap, and was so tired still from the 4 days' abuse they put me through the previous week (admit and discharge in the same shift...screw you guys) Then I had Saturday and Sunday off. I had been scheduled to go to another class today, but I work tonight and can't see calling in sick again--they'd crucify me. So, I'm just not going to go to the class. They'll give me crap about it, but I have no room number, location to find this class, just the time and date the class was to start, and they are scheduling me all over the classes so it would be very difficult to attend AND go to work; get it together people, it's not so hard.
Now I go back, completely unmotivated, and unwanting to be there. I keep checking my email to see if UCSF has written back, but no. They probably won't until around mid-January is my guess. I've only ever hated my job twice in my life, and I don't like when I hate my job. It's a miserable feeling.
"Two Weeks Notice" (god-awful Sandra Bullock/Hugh Grant movie) set in New York.
I never get tired of this joke: wait until there's some GORGEOUS view of NY, usually involving that one perfect spring or autumn night that occurs once a year, a romantically lit bridge, and sparkling lights on the water, and then say "ah, New York looks SOOOooo beautiful...like one of the prettiest cities in the world." and try to get through that without laughing.
Pretty much, that joke made me realize that it's not where I want to be. Even the people who criticized me for being so whiney about how SUCKY it was are now writing me and telling me they hate NYC and want to leave, and are in the same boat I am--how to apply to a new school/get references/give up the spot at Columbia...yadda yadda.
Bottom line is New York sucks. It's just a matter of spending enough time there to realize it. For me, that time was 4.3 seconds. For others, it's a couple months or years.
So I guess for now I have my answer. I'm going to stop thinking about Columbia, and New York, and if I blow my chance then so be it. If I end up too sick and disabled to do bedside care, and can't find the energy to return to school, then so be it.
Things happen for a reason, I suppose. I have to be in the now in order to stop being so miserable. I don't know if I can really DO this; this is just lip-service at this point--intellectualizing/verbalizing on here what it is I THINK will be the right answer.
I truely hate obsessing. So I'm going to set this down, and walk away from it, and hope that things work out.
the hardest thing about this switching to night life is saying goodnight to my hubby and pooch as they sleepily head off to bed, and I know I have a long night of internet, baking, television (at low volume) and so on.
I think I'm blogging more because it's company...I dunno.
Mostly, I think I'm using it as a sounding board to see what it is I really think. Sometimes, I can't see the forest for the trees. Ironically, the word of the day is algorhithm. I've been thinking in algorithms lately. If this, then that. If I stay at this ICU and I return to New York, will I be ready? If no, return home. If I get an offer of a residency at UCSF and I take it, then I obligate myself to one year's service to them, then do I take it and sacrifice my place at Columbia? IF I do that, THEN do I reapply? Who will I get to write my reference letters? WHICH schools will I apply to? SHOULD I just change majors and do something I don't really want to do, but it's better than what I'm doing now? I could get 2/3 tuition reduction if I attend UCSF, but I can't see myself doing acute care NP or Cardiology NP...still, it's better than the fatigue of bedside care--that's killing me.
