They say all good things must come to an end, yadda yadda. We both knew this day would come.
Over the past couple of years (God, has it really been that long?) I’ve been using this blog to get things off my chest. I’ve shared my hopes, fears, and doubts. I seem to start writing with confusion, but by the time I’ve reached the end of the entry, I’m clearer on what I think about something…how I REALLY feel about something. It’s been cathartic. And I’ve gotten some wonderful feedback and support from my closest friends.
There’s a reason this blog was named “The sleep-deprived ramblings of a former intern architect who decides to return to school to learn to be an anesthetist. (part 1)” It implies there are chapters, with beginnings and ends. A progression forward. Transitions.
I’ve recently come to a crossroads; an epiphany of sorts.
I have been thinking long and hard about what to do come September. Most of what I’ve thought, all the back and forth, has been poured out here, with sincerity, for anyone to read. I’m fairly open about what I think.
I have decided to wrap up this blog. I just need some space, it’s not you, it’s me. I’m not sure if it’s permanent, or a trial separation. But, for now, I am going to try not writing and see if my ability to think and reason things out for myself, without the benefit of the self-indulgent blah-blah-blah that has heretofore been helping me clarify what my own thoughts are.
It somehow just feels like the end of this blog, for reasons I can’t really go into.
Although, I tried to take it again to post what it said we had in common (besides the sex, I mean) but then I came up with David Beckham.
THREE times. Don't tell Posh.
(ah here it is: the two of you share a love of practical jokes, classic styles, and ambitious pursuits. Like George, you're creative and focused. Not only are you a dreamer, you're a doer who gets things done.)
it's still hard to switch my sleep back and forth.
This completely sucks. I only have to do it one more time, next weekend, for a Saturday Day class. I'm hoping that once I become completely and exclusively lychnobitic again, that I won't be this tired. The funny thing is, now that I'm off orientation, the phone rings off the hook for me to come in and pick up shifts here and there. While I'm still doing day classes, it's not possible, however, since I need these days to switch my sleep back and forth.
And, did I mention how much that sucks?
I went to bed at 10, and the alarm went off at 1 am, and hopefully I will be able to stay up until at the very least, dawn, when I can go get a full 6 hours of sleep.
Luckily, I married the most wonderful man ever, who doesn't think twice about dragging himself out of bed and offering to make me coffee. Sheesh, I wonder, could I do that for him? I'd likely be whining about turing the light off and keeping the racket down--haha...ok, maybe not; I guess I would do the same for him. What did Billy Shakespeare say about Love not being Time's fool? And bearing it out even to the edge of doom. I guess he was talking about Love fading, or changing over time, but I was thinking, after only a couple hours of sleep, I was pretty much Time's fool.
Anyway, I have to stay awake at least another 5 hours. Time's fool, indeed (sigh.)
Most of you know, I'm Buddhist, and I believe very much in Karma. I've learned that contrary to what I grew up thinking, Karma isn't something that is sown here and reaped in the hereafter, or a next life (for some reason, in my Catholic upbringing, I had learned this as the definition of Karma.) What Karma actually is, by Buddhist definition, is the getting what you deserve in this life. This means, if you go to college and work hard, you will likely be rewarded with a good job, if you work hard in school, you will get good grades, if you are a kind and loving person to those around you, people will return your love and kindness...basically you reap what you sow here, not some afterlife.
Today was a perfect example of this, and it was all I could do to keep from pointing it out.
Remember back to psycho bitch and her nutty breakdown on the floor, yelling and screaming at me as 20 people were in the ICU trying to intubate one of our patients...she not only blurted out that I had confided in her that I was planning on leaving in September, going back to school to finish up the MSN in Nurse Anesthesia, but she went to my nurse manager and had a little whisper chat about how I told her I was looking for a new job. I know this, because I walked up to her office and caught her in the middle of telling her this.
Since then, this psycho has forgotten of our problems, and after two months of silence between us, she's slowly come around to being nice to me and trying to talk to me again. I work with her, I do it for my patient's sake (because in a code, I'm going to need her 4 or 5 year's experience on my side) but I wouldn't trust her with ANY, ANY information about ANYTHING personal of mine ever again.
She's not going to know about it if I have a headache, even.
So this morning as I was leaving, she came storming into the locker room, spouting off about how stupid she was, and how she'd just revealed her intentions to get another job, inadvertently to our nurse manager. Another nurse said to her "so, did you get a second dog?" (referring to this other puppy she was going to adopt) and psycho understood "did you get a second JOB" (which she's told everyone she's looking for"
I guess our nurse manager turned and looked at her and asked her about it. When she told me this, all I could do was hang my stethoscope in my locker, with a smile, and close it without saying a word.
I walked in last night to find it was just going to be me, my nurse manager, and the freak that went off on me on the floor two months ago (remember? "YOU DON'T LISTEN!!!) So now, I'm officially on my own, no one checking over my shoulder saying "did you remember to check this? did you give that?" and that sort of thing.
Scary.
At least, I got an easy assignment, more or less, the less acute patients because the very accute patient coded three times. Yucky messy codes (what they refer to as a Code Blue AND BROWN)
I of course am a professional and can carry on without a trace of rancor or bitterness for this bitch. (hah) But I think she's psychotic; she doesn't act as if there was anything going on between us--is she crazy? I am polite, and professional, but I still don't make any small talk, and she's probably the last person I'd ever talk to about ANYTHING personal. She can bite me, essentially.
Supah Tuesday. I went over to the overly chipper bastards manning the polls and cast my vote. As I'm driving home, I hear on NPR that California is on paper ballots because the electronic voting was shown to be vulnerable to computer viruses and therefore nonreliable. What the....I JUST VOTED ELECTRONICALLY...and it was IN California!!!
At this point, the whole system is so corrupt, I don't believe in it anymore. Who knows what the electoral college will do, regardless of what we vote, or who we support and volunteer for and canvas for. This was what I was shocked to learn in political sciences--the electoral college does what it wants, and if you're lucky, they will do what the voters are wanting...they'll watch the polls as they're coming in.
But it's not at all about our votes, sadly. It's not. It would be a better world if the popular vote could decide our elected officials--especially the last 8 years.
